let us kill the fattened calf and rejoice! for my journal was dead and now it is alive again! it was lost and now it is found! woohoo! i'm having so much fun just reading through it. and now, it's all coming back to me, it's all coming back, it's coming back to me now. strangely enough, anyone else who reads it would probably be bored out of their minds, but to me, it's a valuable historical document. oh well...to each his own, i guess.

it is now 1:37 am. if i sleep now, i will have to wake up in an hour and a half because tomorrow (today) is the first day of campus harvest in baguio. so part of me doesn't want to sleep because it's only going to be difficult for me to wake up. but, im dead tired, that even a few hours seem so precious. i'll wait and see which side wins out.

in the meantime, im going to talk about my list of boredom busters. i consider myself an authority on this (this doesn't really mean anything. it doesn't matter what i consider myself an authority on, unless i am also an authority on which people are proper authorities for what subject.). I say this, firstly, because of all the boring things ive ever had to endure in my life. but we all have to go through boring things, what makes me so different? well, i hate being idle at any time. this is why i bring a book wherever i go, because should i ever become bored or idle, i need to simply open it and i am transported out of that class, lecture, presentation, or conversation. (hehe, sama) so these two traits have combined within me to form an appetite for boredome busters, and a critical mind about their efficacy.

i actually wrote about this in my journal...*sniff, sniff...it's still missing...i can just see it out there...all alone...be strong, joe. be strong...*ahem*

anyway, i rated the different boredom busters on two scales: their entertainment value, meaning how un-bored they were able to make me, and their productivity value, which was how useful was what i was doing.

for example, one of my boredom busters was doodling. unfortunately, im not a good drawer...este, artist. and while my stick figures live rich mental and emotional lives, there's only so much that their scrawny frames can convey, so it becomes boring right away. therefore, it's entertainment value is low. however, it is my own work, an expression of my very being, and as such, will prove valuable to fans, treasure-hunters, and archaeologists in the future. therefore its productivity level is high.

another doodling example is the drawing of spirals or swirls on a page. i think i learned this from linny, and i tried it with gusto. i was so into it, that i once filled a sheet of bond paper with swirls during a really boring class. obviously, the entertainment value of this is high. however, there was no use for it. i hadn't learned anything, developed a new skill, or helped anyone by it. so it's productivity level is low.

the key, therefore, is to find an activity that has both high entertainment and productivity values. such activities are hard to come by, but they do exist. unfortunately, i am sleepy now. so i'll write about them another time.

something serious for a change

it is the eve of the 2004 elections (technically, it isn't though coz it's now 1:51 am, but you get my point) and for some reason, people like to write stuff on the eve of important occasions. i guess, the gravity of the events that lie before them drive them to a deeper sense of reflection and understanding.

anyway, tomorrow the voting population of the philippines will select the political leaders of the nation. this will directly influence the next 6 years of our lives here, and the repercussions will continue to affect us for decades. clearly, what happens tomorrow is of utmost importance.

being for bro. eddie villanueva, i believe that he alone among the different presidentiables has what it takes to bring about true change in the country at this time. having attended different meetings and rallies, i've heard the various points, and two images have formed in my mind. one is full of the hope of "pagbabago" if bro eddie wins, and the other is the dark, bleak future of the nation if any of the other candidates are elected. ive heard bro eddie being referred to as the last card for this nation. ive heard of the possibilities of civil war and/or a military junta. and this drives me to campaign with passion and urgency.

but there is something wrong with that perspective. bro eddie is not the last card. he is not the source of hope; he is only a tool in the hands of the ultimate source of pagbabago, God. now don't get me wrong. i admire bro eddie for all that he's doing, and i believe he is a great man of God. i know it was difficult for him to make the decision to run, but he did so anyway out of love for God and country. i just dont agree that he is the last shred of hope that we have, that the philippines is doomed without him.

no, not at all. there is hope for the nation, even in the worst of possibilities. why? because God is still here. He is the one on whom my hope is pegged. He alone can revive this nation. and best of all, He has promised to do it. it reminds me of psalm 2, which says

Why do the nations conspire
and the peoples plot in vain?
The kings of the earth take their stand
and the rulers gather together against the LORD
and against his Anointed One.

“Let us break their chains,” they say,
“and throw off their fetters.”
The One enthroned in heaven laughs;
the Lord scoffs at them.
Then he rebukes them in his anger and
terrifies them in his wrath...

God laughs...think about it. amidst the fear of massive cheating and election fraud, the rumors of civil unrest and the threat of violence, and the scheming and plotting of the wicked, God laughs. He's in control. regardless of who next moves into malacanang, God is still on his throne, as He always has been. there is no reason to fear or dread the future.

this is not some form of escapism, which is a defense mechanism of people who dont want to accept reality. instead, because i know that He's in charge, like that old hymn says, "i can face tomorrow." i can look at the facts squarely in the eye, and yet draw strength and faith from the fact that the true power is in His hands.

neither is this fatalism, where we simply resign ourselves to any outcome. on the contrary, i will continue to work my hardest for this campaign. i will wake up in three hours to fulfill my role as a poll-watcher. and i will continue to pray and believe. but this time, driven by faith, not fear.

so i will give it my best, but i trust Him for the results. i'll be like that boy with the five loaves and two fish, like moses lifting up his staff, like joshua marching around the walls of jericho, or peter throwing his net in the water. i'll do my part, and trust God to work the miracle, the miracle of saving this nation. it may come tomorrow, it may come later than that. but i know it will come, "because he who promised is faithful." (heb. 10:23)

ok...i must've shot my mouth off too quickly. i thought my posts were gone, but it turns out that's a regular occurence and now they're back. hehe. oh well...i'll keep them there as a memorial to my rashness in speaking out too quickly, and as a reminder not to over-react to situations.

anyway...a word struck me today...i used it while chatting with tanya. the word is "grotesque." i've used the word several times before, of course. with brothers like mine, there is never a lack for a situation requiring it. but this time was different because i "saw" the word. try it, look at the word.

"GROTESQUE"

dont even think of the meaning yet. just look at it, particularly at the "esque" ending. i dont know if it's the same with you, but it looks and sounds maarte to me. because you could easily use a "k" or "ck" for the hard "kuh" sound, but instead you have to compicate matters (and increase the length of the word by 50%) by using the "que" instead. i mean, you don't say, "im at my desque" do you?

so when i looked at the word, i perceived (or conceived) a sense of kaartehan about it. however, that is so far from the actual meaning of the word. so i was getting mixed signals in my brain. my eyes were giving me a notion of "kaartehan." while my brain was processing it and saying, "misshappen, malformed, ugly." it was a weird mix of thoughts, having to reconcile the fact that a fancy looking word was being used to convey such a different meaning...

ok, maybe that didnt make sense. i guess it was one of those "had to be there" kind of things. you would have had to be...in my head, i guess...at the moment it happened. hehe. labo

let's see if this works...ive already attempted posting twice before this, and each time nothing happened. my posts were lost in the vastness of the internet, never to be read again, unless they come floating back to the shores of my blog, like a digital message in a bottle. it really is ironic...coz my last attempted post was a rant about my poor journal which is now missing. i talked about what a waste it was that all of my brilliant ideas were gone, that the chronology of my activities during that time would never jog any more memories in my mind, and that the possible money that could be made by selling it as a resource along with the movie rights to my life have been flushed down the proverbial drain. hehehe.

anyway, i dont wanna make this long. coz i'll just get really annoyed again if it doesn't work.

ahem...thank you all so much for the insightful comments. i had written a much longer post acknowledging you all for them, but someone used my computer and closed the window before i could publish it. thank you, bruce, for the recipe. i'll try it some time. thank you, linny, for balancing out my tomato idea. you're right, not everything is worth trying. some things are obviously disgusting, harmful, and idiotic. so the "try everything at least once" lifestyle just gets stupid after a while. hehe.

i think one thing that helped me decide to start this blog thing was the fact that i'd tried journal-writing before and actually succeeded, at least for a few months. i succesfully chronicled my activities for one entire semester in college, 3rd Year-2nd Sem. That would be November to March of school year 2002-2003. I updated my journal every Tuesday and Thursday, beginning at 1:30 pm until 3. I would always go back and cover the period of time in between every date.

The reason for the strictness in the schedule for journalling is this was the time of one of my most boring classes. I had tried all kinds of boredom-busters already (hmm...maybe i should make a post about that), but they were all temporary. I needed one that fixed me up for the whole sem. And this one did. It was actually very handy, and provided me with a lot of insights as to how i was spending my time. one of the things i remember from it is being shocked at the number of activities i'd have in a week, from youth on fire, to cell, to prayer meetings, to dinners, no wonder i couldnt find time to study. hehehe.

but wait a minute, joe..."was handy?" "provided?" why the past-tense?

well, my journal is lost. it's been missing for months now. and it kinda gets me down to think that all of those memories are gone...well, they're still in my head, but i cant access them as efficiently. there was so much in that thing! argh! 5 months of my life! some of the best moments of the year! Bonifacio Day! (hehe) the entire Christmas season! my mom's birthday! joshua's birthday! MY BIRTHDAY! the end of the school year! i had so much in there...an analysis of all my classes...a two page description of my classroom and my seatmates, notes to one of my best preachings, fractals, my name written over and over again covering an entire page (i like my name, so sue me)...if i remember correctly, i had trips, cotillion practices, and all kinds of other stuff. but why am i not sure? coz i lost my journal!!!! aaaaarrrrrggghhh!!!!

im hoping it'll turn up somewhere. i have the strangest feeling that ive lent it to someone, but i dont know who. so ive asked different people if they have it, and it just makes me look silly. it gets me so down sometimes when i think about all the lost thoughts. ("think about the lost thoughts?" is that possible? if they're lost, how can you think about them? -- shut up, now's not the time for stupid philospophizing) obviously, i dont show this when im with other people. it's business as usual as always.

this leads me to my main point, this can only be done through the magic of compartmentalization. see, compartmentalization...oh, it's lunch time na pala. later